I want to have your abortion
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
