38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
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