She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
