so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
