My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
