I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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