Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
