I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
