dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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