True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
