dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I'd cum for enchiladas.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Randomize
