Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
