Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Come see our sink grown plant.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
