Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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