i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
