so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
