could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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