Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
