if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
