my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
