chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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