I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Randomize
