My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
