I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
