Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
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