2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
