I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
