Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
