I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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