Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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