it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
