when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
