We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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