How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
