You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
