I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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