community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
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