Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
