I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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