i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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