omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
