I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
