I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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