when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
