Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
