Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
