I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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