that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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