On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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