Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
