Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Green mimosas i think yes
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
