Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
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