i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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