Im at strip club and am horny
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
