I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
