i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
