even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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